Eric my baby boy

Eric was my heart. I lost him June 28, 2012 his life became more painful than he could take, and he took his own life. I received a text that morning from his girlfriend at 7:04 am she sent me what he had sent her "My mom can't get to me in time I have her phone and neither can the police". I didn't like jump out of bed, Eric had promised me that he would never kill himself that he would not do that to me. I believed him Eric had always been so honest, and hated when people lied. Yet that day he lost himself to the pain within. I went upstairs that morning finding a sheet hanging over his door which of course was locked. It took my mind a minute to realize what he had done. Panic to over my head I needed the door open, I needed to save my son. I kept screaming no Eric, no. There was an axe left upstairs that day for me. I hit the door about a foot and a half above the door knob. It broke easy I could see my child's leg it was motionless. I put my arm in the hole and reached for the knob. I missed being able to open the door by a finger tip. I hit the door once more making the hole larger. Until I die I will never forget the weight of his body against my leg as the door opened. You would expect to see maybe anguish on his face, but that's not what it was like. Eric's eyes were closed as if he slept. No CPR could bring him back I tried, the police tried, and the EMTs, I think I knew when they brought him through the house and placed him in the ambulance that he was gone. He was an ashen color. I stood on the porch looking at my son's face turned towards me as he lay in the ambulance. more later I have so much guilt about Eric's death. Some times my head just takes it back to the beginning. I think it's strange how anything I did when he was young that caused him to be upset that's what my head wants to show me. I'm guessing it's my punishing me for not saving him. Some times I can't stand the idea that I keep thinking, and that this pain will be with me for the rest of my life. Just seems like an awful way to live. Yet I hope I would never leave the kind of images Eric has left me with for someone else. The simple truth is if you kill yourself someone will have to find you, and whoever it is that finds you will remember and see that for the rest of their life. Torture my hell on earth. more later He had a smile that could melt your soul, and a laughter that was contagious.